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What is the AMPTP? The AMPTP, or Alliance
of Motion Picture and Television Producers, is a collection of kindly gentlemen
who create and distribute all of your favorite screen-based entertainment. Did
you like Snow White when you were a
kid? The AMPTP made that. How do you
feel about "American Idol," The Bourne
Ultimatum and everything Will Smith has ever done? That's the AMPTP, too.
What is this disagreement you have with the Writers Guild of America? It boils down to a difference of opinion. They want us to pay them for their work, which would literally[1] bankrupt Hollywood and prevent us from creating these movies and television shows. We, on the other hand, want to keep making movies and television shows, so that people can be happy, and violent crime will fall.
I am convinced that you are correct when you say the writers' demands are unreasonable. I don't even have to look at the actual math behind this claim, because I trust you. But what did you offer them instead? We offered them a chance to be a part of what we call "The New Economic Partnership." Basically—
Stop right there. Your use of capital letters proves you mean business. You guys must be in the right. Thank you.
Why does the WGA hate freedom and democracy so much? It's unclear. Big corporations have given the world electricity, affordable cornmeal, and "Two and a Half Men." What have unions ever given us? Answer: Communism and a disgustingly high minimum wage.
Hang on. I just looked at their demands and they seem kind of reasonable. Why don't you just pay them? Reasonable? They are asking for an amount of money that would literally[2] bankrupt all six major studios and weaken our national defense! What kind of question is that? Who are you?
A terrorist who hates your country. Oh. Well, there you go.
I am also a WGA member.
But despite that fact, I am a good person who wants to be working. Must I
submit mindlessly to this terrible strike? No! There are many things you can do. One
option is to file for "Financial Core" status. Financial Core means you are
still technically in the WGA, but you are allowed to work during the strike. It
also has a cool name. Coincidentally, most members of the AMPTP have a
financial core, while WGA members have a core of rancid doughnut grease.
You're saying I can continue to work while my brothers and sisters[4] are walking the picket line? No one can force you to do something that you do not want to do. Is someone forcing you to strike? It's okay. You didn't do anything wrong. Just point to the picture of the bad man who forced you to strike. Is it this guy? Patric Verrone? No? How about this man, David Young? It's Young, isn't it. Okay. No no – don't cry. Shhhhhh. It's okay. We're going to get him. Everything is all right.
What happens if I resign from the WGA and file for Financial Core status? Nothing but good stuff. You will get to go back to work. You will help the AMPTP entertain America and the world. You will eat lunch at the world-famous Ivy Restaurant[5] with one Mr. Rupert Murdoch.[6] There might be a special medal that we have for you, for being cool. There might be a parade. People will respect you more. You might find yourself swelling with a sense of pride, which makes you more attractive. You will last longer in bed.[7] You will be held up as a hero, in the mold of a John Glenn, or a Clint Eastwood, or a Jeff Zucker. In short: Things will become awesome.
As a showrunner, can I be fined for crossing a picket line to work on my show? The WGA "strike rules" specifically state that the Guild cannot and will not discipline or fine hyphenate members who come to work and only do non-writing duties. In addition, if you do cross the picket line, the AMPTP will give you $250 and a Certificate of Bravery, suitable for framing. You will also be entered into a raffle, and the winner will get a personal phone call from none other than Mr. Gavin Polone, one of the top producers in all of Hollywood, who will chat with you for up to ten minutes[8] about whatever you want.
If I am not a WGA member and write during a strike, am I banned from working in the WGA jurisdiction forever? Whatever. Do you even want to be in the WGA? They're lame. Their logo doesn't even have an oval. Look, forget about the WGA. Just send us your scripts, and let Rupert Murdoch[9] take you out to lunch[10] at the world-famous Ivy[11] and explain all of the benefits of non-union labor[12]. It'll be fantastic.
[1] Not literally. [2] Not literally. [3] AMPTP reserves the right to substitute another AMPTP member for Mr. Murdoch. [4] Not literally. [5] AMPTP reserves the right to change location of the lunch. [6] We just checked and Murdoch is out. Do you know Craig Thinson, from accounting? He'll be filling in for Murdoch. [7] Or last shorter in bed if you are a woman. [8] Mr. Polone may talk for much longer than ten minutes, and he may not make any sense. The AMPTP and its corporate partners, including but not limited to General Electric, the Disney Corp., Viacom, CBS, and Time Warner, assume no legal liability for physical or emotional injuries sustained from conversations with Mr. Polone. [9] Or Craig Thinson, from accounting. [10] Thinson has a lunch today, so it's going to be a breakfast, now. [11] Or the Jack-in-the-Box on Fairfax north of Wilshire. [12] Thinson is out. You'll probably have to eat alone. Send us the receipt. |
