December 10, 2007

We are heartbroken to report that despite our best efforts, including sending them a muffin basket, making them a mix CD, and standing outside their window with a boombox blasting Peter Gabriel songs, our talks with the WGA have broken down. Quite frankly, we're puzzled as to why this happened. We talked about it all the way home – after we walked into their hotel room, slapped our list of demands on the table and abruptly left the negotiating session – and none of us could figure out what went wrong.

While we're not going to point fingers or assign blame, we do feel justified in saying that they are entirely at fault. The AMPTP has successfully concluded 306 major agreeements with unions since its founding in 1982, and there has never been an incident like this. Except for that writers' strike in 1985. And the directors' strike in 1987. And that other writers' strike in 1988. Aside from three isolated incidents, however, this strike is completely without precedent.

We believe our New Economic Partnership™ proposal – under which the average salary for writers making between $220,000 and $240,000 would be $230,000 – is the single greatest document since the Magna Carta. And we have proved, over the last five months, that we want writers to participate in producers' revenues. Mostly by repeatedly saying, "we want writers to participate in producers' revenues." Still, we must be clear: Under no circumstances will we knowingly participate in the destruction of this business. If we destroy this business, it will only be through accident and incompetence – that's the AMPTP Pledge®!

While the WGA's members can clearly stage rallies, concerts and mock exorcisms, maintain unity in a large and diverse workforce, gain the support of a majority of the general public, prompt a sharp dip in our stock prices, derail half a dozen major movies and force us to refund advertisers' money after they learn that they'll be getting "American Gladiators" instead of "Chuck," we question their ability to get things done. It is now absolutely clear that the WGA's organazis are determined to advance their own personal ideologies, political agendas, sexual preferences, barbaric tribal customs, canine wardrobe choices, religious beliefs and blood rituals upon working writers and other working persons who depend on our work industry for their work.

Instead of negotiating, the WGA organizateurs have made demands, then expected us to counter with our demands, and for them to adjust their demands, and for us to do likewise, until we reach a mutually acceptable resolution in some sort of "give-and-take" process. Needless to say, we consider this to be a roadblock to progress (of both boldface and italic proportions). Thus, we have asked that they withdraw these demands: